A Day in the Life of Chaos

  Navarone Playset When I was a young boy in the 1970’s, my  dominion was the carpet.  Between its 70’s shag fibers thousands of battles took place as my soldiers spread out in endless formations.  Bit by bit my mother’s Kirby vacuum would suck up small pieces of them.  Guns, knives, hats and scarves.  All would disappear in due course.  I treasu red my toy soldiers.   From America I had knights, cowboys, Indians and Civil War soldiers.    Green army men who would occasionally do battle against the prized Nazi’s a young friend of mine had.   His name was Shane,  and he had the best toy sets usually obtained at Christmas.   My favorite was a small mountain fortress with cannons sticking out posing as the fortress in the film "The Gun’s of Navarone."   He also had an Alamo play set filled with Mexicans and Texans.   Hamley's Regent Streat, London One Christmas morning in Alaska I awoke to find a giant playset my father had created for me.  Ever the architect he had constr

The other day I looked at death.   Not my own thankfully but in the declining health of a dear friend.   Life constantly prepares us for death in many ways.   As we age the percentage of those we know who die increases proportionately with the years.   If you own a pet, death is a regular part of our life.   Animals unfortunately have lifespans far shorter than our own and we are always reminded of death when we lose a close four legged companion.   We all approach death differently.  Some of us turn away because it is simply too painful.  Some of us never let go.  We carry the weight of loss daily with us often perhaps hastening our own demise. Death is a heavy part of life and an unfortunate constant.  There is no life without death.   Last week I flew to Tampa to visit a man who has been a part of my life for 28 years.  He has been mentioned many times in the course of this blog.  He is one of those people who for one reason or another became a part of me.  A very odd man, he is

  “So its for sure now, I will retire.”   I have been waiting 33 years of my life to say that.   The only ones that can relate are those that have experienced or will experience the same thing.   I am learning that the hard way.   I know my wife doesn’t understand.   She never had the experience of showing up for the same job for 33 years.   This was mostly by design as our transient life never allowed her the consistency of a career.   For 33 years I have had to be responsible to something other than myself and my family.  I have had to follow the government’s rules.  I have had to live my life around the demands of another.  For some people their career becomes their identity.  They are their job.  It is a function so intertwined with day to day existence that when the link is broke their life loses meaning.  I am not one of those people.  I am grateful for my career.  For the places it has taken me and the life it has given me.  I am also grateful to leave my desk and computer b

There is an agent in my office named Alex. He is young, approximately 29 or 30. He is about to have a child with his wife. A young little creature is expected to make his presence known in this world in a week or two. Alex is the same age I was when I went to Bolivia and had a child of my own. When I see him it reminds me of those days. Being young and trying to establish your place in the world. Becoming a father. At that time of life I had just met two close friends who I have stayed in touch with throughout my life. Both were significantly older than me. Alfredo was less, probably six years older than me. Ira was much more senior.   Our age difference was more like 24 years. By the time you hit your late 20’s and move into your 30’s you realize that age doesn’t mean so much anymore. When you are young it is everything and then its magnified. In your teens a friend more than a year or two from your age is almost inconceivable. A person more than 10 years older seems

This year, 2023, is my thirty second year of federal employment.  I am standing on the precipice.  It is the year I become eligible to retire.  Life is essentially filled with a number of dramatic checkpoints.  First and foremost there is birth, how can you argue that it is not important?  With its occurrence we literally win the lottery of life.  Facing the competition of between 200 and 500 million sperm one got through and made us.  Holy shit, what are the odds?  It has got to be up there with winning the Power Ball.  Of course like winning the Power Ball there is no guarantee it will end well and often it does not . Senator Roscoe Conkling, NY The next big moment comes when you enter life and assume responsibility for your self and existence.  This often follows being kicked out of your parents house.  Sometimes removal is more gradual and evolutionary as you work your way through college and then find a career.  This is usually a period marked by severe economic dependency.    Pos

Life is filled with a long list of people who cross our paths like firefly’s dancing in the night.   Some stay longer than others.   Some mark us in positive ways and some, not so much.   There is a precious list of those we love, a vastly larger list of those we know, perhaps admire and a hopefully shorter list of those we detest.   Bad feelings can stick to us like fungus yet a skill I have been working on for 56 years is how to let those feelings go.   Sometimes it can be terribly difficult.   Like the scorn I feel for a guy named Barry Wilson who back stabbed me in a previous office interfering with a chance for me to move back and resume a former job after an overseas assignment.   His actions caused me to sell my house and relocate my life.   Life can at times feel like a catalog of miserable interactions as they tend to stand out much more promi nently than the positive ones.  One particular memory reared its head this week when I learned that a previous boss of mine had passed