Death

The other day I looked at death.  Not my own thankfully but in the declining health of a dear friend.  Life constantly prepares us for death in many ways.  As we age the percentage of those we know who die increases proportionately with the years.  If you own a pet, death is a regular part of our life.  Animals unfortunately have lifespans far shorter than our own and we are always reminded of death when we lose a close four legged companion.  

We all approach death differently.  Some of us turn away because it is simply too painful.  Some of us never let go.  We carry the weight of loss daily with us often perhaps hastening our own demise. Death is a heavy part of life and an unfortunate constant.  There is no life without death.  

Last week I flew to Tampa to visit a man who has been a part of my life for 28 years.  He has been mentioned many times in the course of this blog.  He is one of those people who for one reason or another became a part of me.  A very odd man, he is eccentric to the core.  Still, somewhere hidden within his offensive and complicated eccentricity is an enduring personality that colored me in many ways.  

When a person you are close to dies, you feel as if you are losing a part of yourself. 

When I went to see my friend he was recovering from his latest cancer battle.  It is a war he will never win yet he has been fighting it for years.  Each treatment has beaten him down a little more and robbed the body he once occupied.  His frailty is ever present, his systems are collapsing.  He is rotting from within. His heart has grown weak, several joints have been replaced.  On a good day he makes it into his garden to tend his plants.  On a bad day he never leaves his bed.  Depression is ever present and magnified by the drug cocktails that keep him alive.  The demons of his own life shadow him casting grotesque images only to be cast aside by the brilliant light that still beams from within him.  

I was lucky when I looked at death.  Despite it’s best efforts it had not yet claimed the life of my friend.  We shared memories from years of friendship and at times I rediscovered the laughter that would momentarily bring tears from his eyes.  It’s terribly difficult to look at your friend and know that his time will soon pass.  That conversations are fleeting and momentary touch will never endure.

When I left I hugged him and told him I loved him.  He mumbled he loved me too.  I know these are terribly difficult words for him, likely rarely if ever spoken.  He came from a family where love and similar sentiments were never stated if they even existed.  He once told me a story of visiting his father as a young man in New York.  His father, divorced, lived a solitary existence in a studio apartment.  One day my friend appeared at his father’s door after not seeing him for years.  His father opened the door and said a minimum of words.  My friend entered the room and watched as his father sat in a chair in front of his television and resumed watching a program.  Sitting behind him he waited for a conversation that never came.  Eventually he stood up and without a word walked out.  It was the last time he ever saw his father.  

In life human existence often revolves around interaction.   It lingers in shared memories with others and when pleasant, these memories are equally guarded and treasured.  As years past joint experiences accumulate and form a bond between humans that exist as long as they do.  At some point, one will pass leaving an emptiness in the other.  It is not simply an emptiness derived from lack of companionship, it’s origin is far deeper.  It is the lost commonality that stings the most.  The realization that memories once shared are left to one alone.  

Death brings a finality like nothing else in life.   It is the beginning of our end.  In a generation we will fade from memory.  In two generations we will become a name and nothing more.  We as humans want desperately to believe in more.  It is the only salve that eases the pain.  Despite this discomfort I can only think of my good fortune to have once known a man so dear.  Take my friend if you must death for I know I must accept you. I ask only that the wind of your passing dries the tear that remains in my eye. I know I will see you again yet I beg you to tardy before you return once more.