A Day in the Life of Chaos

There is an agent in my office named Alex. He is young, approximately 29 or 30. He is about to have a child with his wife. A young little creature is expected to make his presence known in this world in a week or two. Alex is the same age I was when I went to Bolivia and had a child of my own. When I see him it reminds me of those days. Being young and trying to establish your place in the world. Becoming a father. At that time of life I had just met two close friends who I have stayed in touch with throughout my life. Both were significantly older than me. Alfredo was less, probably six years older than me. Ira was much more senior.   Our age difference was more like 24 years. By the time you hit your late 20’s and move into your 30’s you realize that age doesn’t mean so much anymore. When you are young it is everything and then its magnified. In your teens a friend more than a year or two from your age is almost inconceivable. A person more than 10 years older seems

In a professional career you come across all sorts of people but none have as much impact on you as the supervisors your work for.  They can make your professional life a pleasure and they can make it hell.  This year I am marking my 28th year on the job and with all sincerity I hope to stay around just just four more years.  Aside from loved ones and a few good friends I think 32 years is enough to devote to anyone or anything. My first two supervisors were illustrations of various styles.  The first was hell.  She was a demonic memory that made me question my initial decisions in life.  The second was a motherly personality never wishing to push the envelop.  After the fourth year of the second supervisor, I was convinced I might need a complete career change and contemplated trading my mind numbing cubicle for an academic life.  It was my third supervisor who changed my life.  She gave me wings by inviting me to work for her for close to six years on the  southern side of th

Life for all but the hermit is a string of social interactions.  It is meeting people, leaving people, remembering people, forgetting people.  In all those relationships there are some that standout like flakes of gold floating on the surface of a gold pan. They are uniquely valuable and so  precious they will span a lifetime.  These are the people whose bond seems unregulated by time.  Years may span face to face meetings but each time one occurs it feels as if time and life has stood still.  Like nary a day has passed and conversations and embraces resume as if left only moments before.   These friends are rare because their companionship transcends the physical and intellectual to something much deeper.  The connection is almost spiritual in the way you become intertwined, woven into each others lives.   My friend Francesca is this way.  We first met when we were both in the university, her in Italy and me in America.  I was traveling in Italy and our lives intersected.  B

There is something that happens inside a parent as their child grows and they realize they don’t need them as much anymore.    In truth it should be seen as success.  “Spread your wings little one… fly!”, is the refrain I thought would echo in my brain.  My son is growing older.  He is nearly 21 now.  Sure he needs my money to survive but aside from that the dependent ties of a child are becoming thinner.   As a parent I must shift from the role of ruler to advisor.  The wise council that may or may not be followed and honestly may or may not be wise.  Every parent has a different way of confronting this issue and some never do.  My grandfather never stoped calling my mother “Baby Sally.”  I think in her parents minds she was always a little girl and never transitioned to adulthood.  My wife’s parents seemed to have accepted her growth yet every time she returned home she was still their girl and they took her under their parental wings as they had always done.  Despite bei ng of

Malgosia... A long lost friend returns I have spent a lot of time and effort in my life looking for traces of my past lost in the fog of passing years.  I don't know why I do it, most people are just content to let it go.  Still, I suppose my personal philosophy that we are the compendium of our experiences has had something to do with it.  I think that every challenge, sadness and joy that life has thrown at us makes us who we are as a person.  I think in some ways I am constantly undergoing a state of personal re-evaluation as I look back and trace the scattered lines of my mind in an attempt to find sense and consistency that likely doesn't exist.  While this may be true, it doesn't stop me from trying. I think I also harbor the hope that in some ways those that have been formative or developmental in some way have felt the same about me.  That the feeling was mutual.  Sometimes I have peered behind the curtain of the past simply to say goodbye in a way I never di

Alfredo (L) Me on (R) Today is the last day at work for one of my best friends.   He is not so old, 53 I think.  Despite his relative youth, in the world of special agents and law enforcement personnel, a special deal is made.  They are allowed to retire with only 20 years of service.   This is largely because the years of long hours and professional stress are expected to take their toll on the body and cause many to die younger.   Being a civil service person but not an agent I need to have 30 years of service and be nearly 57 years of age before I can walk away.  In the overall scheme of things it is still a great deal.  This in a world where many people today wonder if they will ever be able to retire.  I think about this every time I see an elderly woman serving fast food at Chick-fila or an elderly man bagging groceries at the Publix. When you think about it, we spend most of our lives working.  Over the years many of us spend more time with our co-workers than we ever do w

Anyone whom has been a faithful reader of this blog might remember an entry a year ago when I talked about friends and Las Vegas. Every year or so, my two best friends and I try to meet in Las Vegas for a few days. Each of us comes from life in different stages. Alfredo is a multiply married now a single childless man facing the uncertainties of retirement. Dave is closer to my age but has three kids, one overcoming cancer. With 20 years of service in his stress filled field he is also eligible for retirement in the not to distant future. Myself, I am 44 years old and well past the midpoint of my career. We all have given our lives to Federal service and each of us at this stage of life is asking questions about our futures and our pasts. We wonder if our careers have been what they should have been and question the Federal deal. We joined the Federal Government knowing we would never be rich. We decided to trade prosperity for security. A guarantee of a respectful retire

Four years ago when I turned 40 years old I flew back to my home in Alaska for the 25th anniversary of my high school graduation.  How quickly the years passed.  In retrospect it seemed simply a flash of light or a blink of the eye.  Life is really that way, it is a jumble of experience interwoven into a blanket that covers our lives.  Each fiber makes the whole but unless it is a pretty pattern we scarcely recognized them once they are fixed to the rest.  Someday the blanket will cover our heads and the life that we once were will vanish underneath. I ventured back to that 25th year reunion largely because I knew a friend of mine from high school was going to attend.  She was a person that could have been a relationship but in the end never was.  Some how divergent personalities, insecurities and the web of experiences kept us apart.  Our words crossed paths over the years, yet seeing her in Alaska was the first time I was face to face with her since I slept on the floor of her apar

Everyone has a different definition of what friendship means.  It is a concept nearly as complex as love.  True friendship is something I have spent my life searching for like a prospector looking for a seam of gold.  Growing up I was fortunate to have lived in one place.  I developed a couple friends that I shared almost my entire youth with.  We were neighbors and in many ways brothers.  While connected to my familiar environment I always felt myself reaching to a world beyond.  Those were the days of letters and I eagerly wrote to pen palls I made around the world.  I had friends in Germany, England, Sweden and the Philippines.  I actually ended up marrying my friend from the Philippines but that is a long story for another time. There was something special about learning from other people in seemingly exotic places.  I discovered different points of view and a feeling that while far away, peoples thoughts, dreams and desires in life were very much the same.  It instilled in me