A Day in the Life of Chaos

There are places in the world where beauty defies expectation.  Sometimes they are found unexpectedly in the smallest of things or the most unpredictable moments. When I awoke at 5:30 in the morning in my bed not far from the junction where northern Thailand, Laos and Burma meet I rolled over and looked out the window of my hotel room.  I was physically quite close to a place romantically and once nephariously called the Golden Triangle. It was place of lore, once known as the central hub of heroin trafficking across a remote section of South East Asia.  Now it was a region filled with economic development.  The jungle trails and combat fatigue clad mercenary armies have been replaced by casinos and Chinese tourists.  The men who once commanded heroin movement from their jungle bases now run multimillion dollar gambling empires.  The traffickers are still there, they are just woven into the fabric of economic development and their camouflaged clothing has been replaced by a veil o

We tend to define ourselves by our national identities.  Well that's not exactly correct.  I think first comes sex, then race and then national identity.  It is like we are members of a club.  Perhaps it makes us feel exclusive in some way and lord knows human beings like to feel exclusive.  We long to be in some way unique and a nation is undeniably unique and exclusive in its very nature. I have traveled and lived in many parts of the globe and as the years have turned I have come to view myself less as a member of a country and more as a citizen of the world.  The concept of humanity becomes much larger and all encompassing.   A citizen of the world is an alien concept to most.  It defies everything we have been taught all our lives of what it means to be a patriot.  Patriotism, the connotation of the word denotes unquestionable loyalty to a national identity.  The very essence of patriotism defies our biological similarity and harkens back to tribalism.   Perhaps it is th

The Bangkok skyline is gray and foreboding.  Less than 12 hours ago the city welcomed me with a dazzling display of light.  Today the sky weeps as if to compliment my own tears and trepidations.   They are not the result of sadness, simply a reflection of adjustment to a new and very different world. Last night after 27 hours of transit I emerged in a new place, my tired eyes adjusting to a very different life.  I felt like a cast member of the Walking Dead or at the very least like I had just emerged from a dark movie theater squinting and opening my eyes.  The process of getting from airport to hotel was not as complicated as I thought and I definitely appreciated the assistance I had from an analyst that currently works in our office here.  Trans Pacific flights seem to have a way of altering all reality leaving one to feel oddly disconnected.  I felt almost as if I entered Star Trek mode and some how become one with the Space Time Continuum whatever the hell that means. Fo

Galileo In the south they always say "blessed."  Have a blessed day or I am truly blessed.  Bless your heart they will tell you and then subsequently kick you in the ass.  Most of the time it is used as a kind of farewell wish or sense of self affirmation.  I am not sure who is doing the blessing, I am sure in their mind it is the Lord Jesus Christ.   I have always had trouble with this concept.  If there is a Lord Jesus Christ I have always assumed my life would be quite insignificant in the greater context.  Still self importance has always been the essence of Christianity.  Prior to Galileo the Sun revolved around the Earth.  Of course poor Galileo was made to recant his own teaching and discovery and forced by the inquisition to remain essentially under house arrest for the later years of his life.  Christians are allowed to speak directly to God and God will hear them.  He will bless them like a priest splashing holy water and make all their dreams come true.  Or

There is a certain amount of excitement and depression that accompanies a move and change of job.  On the one hand I am filled with energy and enthusiasm.  In the near future there is a new office, a new place welcoming me with open arms.  It is a chance to be a new person and fix all the mistakes of the past both professionally and humanistically.  As scant bits of information arrive concerning my move I find myself hanging on every new detail.  Every fragment of information detailing and describing my new life.  Like a jigsaw puzzle I seem to never get enough, each tiny piece constantly forming a larger picture.  Excitement seems to build as dates converge an new realities solidify. At the same time there is a counter process occurring.  It is almost a kind of Newtonian physics in principle.  With every action there is an equal opposite reaction.  In this case the opposite reaction is separation and letting go.  To date I have served 14 years in my current office and I am not sure

I can't sit still.  I know it bugs the hell out of some people.  I always feel like I need to be doing something.  I can't just talk on the phone, I have to walk around.  I can't sit and have a conversation without playing with a game or holding something in my hand.  Perhaps it is the result of my mother's encouragement to always accomplish something with each action.  "Going upstairs, grab something that needs to go upstairs." she would say.  Sometimes I swear cell phones may be the death of me.  Too convenient to check things, always near my hands.  If I could get rid of one invention, that would be the one.  I hate the damn thing but I use it.  I suppose I live my life much the same way.  I have trouble sitting still.   To date my life has been a vast series of locations.  It is quite unlike the lives of those that surround me.  In South Carolina many will never leave the country much less their own state.  Summer is a trip to Myrtle Beach and a famil

"Today is the youngest that you will ever be."   I have been thinking about this phrase a lot lately.  In a subtle way I think it is almost like the phrase "do you view the glass half empty or half full?"  I suppose I tend to lean toward the optimistic side. In a way this simple phrase has become a kind of motto for me in my life.   As time passes if we spend too much time reflecting on the past or contemplating the future things tend to vanish before our eyes completely unnoticed.  Simply put, the present will be our pass and moments ago was our future. I know with each passing day my body is growing older yet despite the age spots on my hands and arms, the flab around my belly and the unexplained discomforts that seem to appear with ever increasing frequency, I must remind myself that today I am young and I should feel young. After all, today is the youngest I will ever be. Soon I will say goodbye to America.  When I started my career a seemingly inexplicab

I write a lot about life and death.  I love life and contemplate death.  I don't believe in easy solutions.  I don't believe in heaven or hell, beyond that I have no idea. I do believe in death, I do believe in pain.  I suppose there are few who would disagree.  I do believe in the anguished voice of my son when I tell him his father could have died.  I believe in the concern of my wife or in the tormented tears of my father facing a reality that wasn't, but could have been.  I believe in the power of a bullet to fly through the air imperceptibly fast, striking my flesh and sending my life into the chasm of universal question's without living answers. It seems the philosophical side of myself predicates the story I must tell.  There are few times in life when one sees a possible moment of their exit from humanity.  Of course there is the natural moment when the years and our bodies consume us.  Still, there are other moments, disturbing moments that once they hap

I am sure if one paid critical attention to my blog over the years they would rightly perceive I live my life in a constant state of internal analysis.   Many have told me I think too much and honestly they are probably right.   Still thinking is my trade as is analysis and the two skills while earning me a living, seem to haunt me in everyday life. I haven’t written much lately.   I think my urge to write is often stimulated by complexities or questions in life.   When they are present my creativity like water seeks a path and many times the blog presents the channel that I follow.   Often time’s questions in life are stimulated by my own actions and I suppose I am entering another one of those phases as I make another effort to secure a position overseas for the majority of the professional years I have left. I took a walk at lunch today.   It is spring in South Carolina.   The weather is friendly while the pollen chokes your throat.   Spring brings a sense of renewal

Civil Service is such an innocuous term.  It sounds like it could represent a myriad of different things none of them having anything to to do with being an anonymous government employee.  In reality it is a time honored term to represent those that give their lives and careers to government in a belief that it has a role to play in society.  These days the very guardians of our Civil Service seem neither civil nor dedicated toward service.  Instead of dignity and courtesy we are treated to a barrage of indignity and down right insolence.  Esteemed former Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan once said, "The central conservative truth about politics is that it is culture not politics that determines the fate of society.  The central liberal truth is that politics can help change a culture and save it from itself." While Senator Moynihan does a brilliant job of phrasing the philosophical clash of ideals between liberals and conservatives at its heart is an underpaid and often