Aging

Karen Goerler

I think a lot about aging.  I think it is because I am aging.  Well in truth we all are.  It is an inescapable reality of life.  I wrote a blog called “Today is the Youngest I Will Ever Be.”  I think as you grow older this phrase becomes increasingly apropos.  Like a computer we constantly run a systems diagnostic on our body and each pain, creak, or scatterbrained moment becomes a source of questions.  Is this a sign?  Is it the beginning of something or only momentary discomfort?  Did I do something I shouldn’t have or is this the moment of inevitable decline?  

As we grow older our lives and physical well-being are impacted by the lives of those we have grown old with.  Like soldiers in a battle when one falls the others look around and wonder if they will get the next bullet.  Recently a high school classmate of mine passed away.  She was only 50.  She was a good person who lived a good life.  There was no simplistic explanation of why cancer should have taken Karen Goerler’s life.  We all want to find one.  I think at its core it is a narcissistic effort to reassure our own psyche and comfort our fears.  

Karen Goerler (Photo posted by Peggy Nemeth)
East Anchorage High School Back in the Day circa 1984

The truth is no one knows what fate has in store for us.  We can do our best to shape and modify our story but there is no certainty.  There is no shield we can envelop ourselves in that will truly protect us.  Aging can be a torture.  As each day passes we look in the mirror and see the shape of our face change.  Lines replace taught skin, hair vanishes and deposits of fat create bulges as all signs of our younger selves melt away like an ice cube in the sun.  The day will inevitably come when we will cease to be and we will perish like Karen, the only question is how many will still be alive to remember us.  

On the surface it all seems depressing but I think the challenge is to find the reasons it is not.  Life is finite, it is not infinite.  In truth our value as a person is in the life we have lived and how at least in the short term we will be remembered.  Some get more time to do this than others.  Some will achieve the goal, some never will.  In truth it’s not a hard goal to fill.  Humans are plentiful and so are the needs of the world that sustains us all.  It is really not that difficult to look beyond ourselves.  Accomplishing this commands us to look beyond or wrinkled reflections and momentary aches and pains.   To wear the discomforts of life like campaign ribbons on the uniform of a veteran.  I know it’s not easy to do.  Everyone has their own needs, thoughts and desires.  Their own insecurities and their own pain.  Often they don’t coexist well with those around us.  At times they hurt other’s more than we intend.   

I do seem to feel that as I grow older my focus changes.  From my perspective as a young man I seemed to have nothing but time.  The recognition of daily gifts was much less a part of daily reality.  As I age mortality becomes more real.  I find that I am increasingly learning to focus on the present.  To enjoy what I have for what it is and to appreciate those that I love.  That said, each day I remind myself to be where I am and appreciate what I have.  I also feel that there is an urge to vocalize my thoughts just in case tomorrow I can no longer say them. Perhaps it is what leads me to write these essays.  It is a way of leaving something of myself behind after I am gone.  Riddles of the past for someone in the future to decipher.  

Life is a journey that we all make.  Somedays it hurts, somedays it is paradise.  Everyday is a new question but in the end it is largely what we make of it.  If I could give advice to anyone I would say love yourself and the people around you.  Try to be kind and most of all, try to see even the smallest bit of beauty that is before you.  It may not be there tomorrow but you can certainly love it today.   Rest in peace Karen, you will be remembered.