They are Growing Older

There is something that happens inside a parent as their child grows and they realize they don’t need them as much anymore.    In truth it should be seen as success.  “Spread your wings little one… fly!”, is the refrain I thought would echo in my brain.  My son is growing older.  He is nearly 21 now.  Sure he needs my money to survive but aside from that the dependent ties of a child are becoming thinner.  

As a parent I must shift from the role of ruler to advisor.  The wise council that may or may not be followed and honestly may or may not be wise.  Every parent has a different way of confronting this issue and some never do.  My grandfather never stoped calling my mother “Baby Sally.”  I think in her parents minds she was always a little girl and never transitioned to adulthood.  My wife’s parents seemed to have accepted her growth yet every time she returned home she was still their girl and they took her under their parental wings as they had always done.  Despite being of modest income they insisted on providing for her while she was in their care.  Maybe it was a dinner or small sacrifice but it was always apparent they had resumed a parental role.  I lost my mother early but I know she would be proud of the man that I have become and of the son that I have raised.  There are still moments however when I wish I could go home and just have a mom again.

In my life with my son I hope to transition to a role more of friendship.  I think thus far I have largely succeeded in this.  He will talk to me about anything including may topics that would make the average parent cringe.  Be it thoughts, dreams, drugs, desires or sexuality there is no topic he won’t touch.  While sometimes they are difficult topics for a parent to hear I am glad he doesn’t shy away.  Somewhere in his openness I find a measure of parental success.  This honesty is a two way street.  I am equally honest with him about my thoughts, feelings and ups and downs in life.  Sometimes I think parents are programed to feel that we fail if we burden our children with our own thoughts or difficulties.  In some way they are to be kept in a box and the adult world that we live must never cross into theirs.  I have never felt that way with him.  In some way I feel in my honesty and communication there is some measure of success.  

I have often viewed dependency as a measure of control.  I have had many instances in life where I consider this a guiding influence over my thinking.  It follows from my inner self to my outward life.  I have never allowed myself to be dependent on any substance or to surrender my independence completely to the control of another.  Substance abuse is a huge limitation in life.  Losing one’s mind to a thirst for drink, the need for tobacco or the talons of a drug is surrendering a piece of one’s self.  I think in its grasp you lose your soul. 

Still a measured dependency is also a defining part of the human experience.  I am still trying to define where the line is.  Dependency on relationships and family can be healthy in that they give us purpose and fulfillment, so long as we do not completely surrender ourselves in the process.  Over dependency can be destructive and damaging to not only ourselves, but to those around us. 

It is hard watching my son grow and it is also a joy.  It is a joy to see him become the man that I dreamed he would become.  To see the values instilled in him come out as factors that govern his own life and impact those around him.  I have no regrets but there are quiet times when I still miss the little boy who once took my hand as we walked and knew that I would always be there.  

Parenthood is a struggle at times.  We wonder if we will ever make it through it.  We wonder if we have failed and we question ourselves.  We know deep inside that as our children grow our own lives are passing.  Despite this there is also a feeling of fulfillment as we see the fruits of our lives grow new trees.  I know in my heart my son knows I am here if he needs me and that while I have grown older as has he, I will always in my heart be the papa that once walked with him hand in hand.