Zen And The Art Of The Scooter

Every nation has their sports.  American's love football, basketball and baseball, the world loves soccer.  This said, Thailand and sport is something I am still trying to figure out.  I do see a lot of jackets emblazoned with the names of English Premier League teams.    Chelsea, Manchester United... the list goes on.  That said I am still not sure there is a true passion for the game.   I am increasingly becoming convinced however that there is an unofficial sport here, the art of scooter riding.

Perhaps it is the same way around South East Asia but with only the Philippines and a brief time in Shanghai to compare I must say, Thailand is on the cusp of this emerging sport.  Okay, maybe it will never make the big leagues but if each commute is equal to a game how many athletes can say that they survived death in the course of their match?  As a current resident of Thailand I have embraced this life or death struggle with all the veracity of a shark feasting upon a helpless swimmer of the Eastern Seaboard.  I must become one with my machine.  It is the key to my independence, the essence of mobility and to be honest, a hell of a lot of fun.  So far I have been doing okay.  No life or death incidences but there have been some near bumps.  They are enough to give pause and remind me never to become too comfortable.  Scooter riding and complacency are two words that must never meet.

Some of my coworkers are terrified.  The first day I reported to the office and announced my intention to ride a scooter as my primary mode of transport, one agent in particular looked on with horror and said I would be dead in six months.  Thanks for the vote of confidence I thought.   I must say, he does have a flare for the dramatic.  His dire prognostication of my future came at the precise moment a Thai friend and I were surfing scooter prices online.  The instant he left we both shrugged and returned to our web analysis. 

I am constantly reminded of the horrible crashes yet being the analyst that I am, console myself with statistical probability.  Of course there are horrific incidents.  When you have 9 million scooters racing around as the philosopher Saint Thomas Aquinas said famously in 1932, "shit happens." Chances are there has got to be a high percentage of idiots and when considering the shear number on the road something most certainly will go wrong.  When a scooter accident does happen it is often horrific.  In truth I am quite worried about my family riding here yet there is seemingly little alternative.  My wife will never drive a car in SE Asia and much as the presence of cars has annihilated public transportation in America, the freedom and independence of the scooter in Thailand has done the same.  It still boggles my mind that in a city of 200,000 people Chiang Mai has virtually no transportation network.  What there is is clustered around the tourist areas and doesn't extend to the outer parts of the city.   Even taxi's are rare and expensive.  They are typically utilized only for an airport run.  There is a network of buses and vans to get out of Chiang Mai, just not around the city.  When you arrive at any terminal  be it airport, railway or bus, scooters for rent are everywhere. 

Thailand is not a rich country and it is not a poor country.  It exists some where in the middle.  Cars are very expensive.  Import taxes are 250% and most Thais simply can't afford to buy a car.  Those that do have them are the exception, not the rule.

In order to survive most turn to the scooter.  Scooter is actually an American term.  It is a kind of simplistic degeneration of a mode of transport we have largely left to the alcoholic who has lost their license.  With no alternative and unable to drive with the rest of the nation, they turn to the "Liquor sickle."  Of course in America even that has been diminished.  What passes for a scooter in America is a woefully under-powered toy with an engine less than 49cc.   We further denigrate the class and refer to them as the ignominious moped.  In Thailand a scooter is a motorcycle and a motorcycle is a "big bike."  Most have engines of 115cc to 150cc.

As I turn my missive toward actually riding on the road here, I have been trying to figure out how to describe what comes next.  When everything is moving the scooters ply through traffic elegantly and simply.  In truth between a car and a scooter I would likely pick the scooter.  If I am fully aware of all my surroundings I feel much more confident in my ability to avoid impending disaster.  Cars are big and bulky.  There are blind spots and they are not nearly as responsive as their two wheeled cousins.  Of course if you do hit something a car provides a modicum of protection.  On a scooter you are either crushed or become a lawn dart.  When the traffic locks up or a traffic light is reached that is when things get really interesting.  Imagine a trail stretching out of bricks not forming an orderly pattern but disjointed.  In between where the mortar would be hundreds of scooters fill the void.  Unlike mortar however they are not sedentary.    Each scooter begins to wind its way forward weaving in and out of the cars.  Sprinting momentarily they will halt again as they negotiate past a car mirror or edge up against a high curb.  With scarcely enough space to walk, the driver will place one foot on top of the curb.  With their one foot guiding them they will walk along as they slip through spaces seemingly impossible to fit in.  Every rider is aware of every other and constantly watching to see if someone has found a passable path.

It is as if the road becomes a massive living organism.  After passing a hundred cars a mass of scooters will collect at the front and when the light changes it would make the Indy 500 blush.  The moment brings back a vivid image of being a child at Disney Land and riding the Autopia.  The Autopia was basically a go cart track with limited movement.  Around you 30 lawnmower engines rumbled away.  In Thailand my memories of the Autopia have surrendered to the reality of a hundred motorcycles surging forward and jetting out in front of the cars.  Each bike begins to jockey for position as they enjoy momentary freedom before the cars catch up and the road again becomes clogged with traffic. 

There are other moments when the mass will form a single line on the edge of a line of traffic.  When the signal changes they fly forward with the synchronization of a flock of birds soaring in the sky.  As I ride home I often appreciate the moments of closeness that I will see.  On a scooter everything is exposed and it is easy to notice the affection of a girlfriend as one hand gently clutches her boyfriends hip and her head rests on the back of his shoulder.  Or the sight of a small child wedged between their parents legs.  Of course it would give the average American nightmares but this is the South East Asian mini van.  Special seats are even fashioned for the wee ones to sit on.

I think one of the most amazing sights is watching a Thai girl ride on the back of a bike in a dress.  They balance perfectly on the seat and almost subconsciously move with the scooter so as not to influence the weight balance.  Wearing a skirt they will sit side saddle, their legs hanging over on one side perched like a bird on a tree branch.  They will often be playing with their cell phone as they fly down the road holding on to nothing.  Each twist and turn of the bike is automatic to them and they shift accordingly never coming close to falling off.  It is a feat worthy of the Cirque Du Sole.
With all those scooters around, malls have to figure out some where to put them.  Parking areas are specially created and the result is an ocean of the two wheeled vehicles stretching out as far as the eye can see.  On one occasion I came out from a store and much like navigating a parking garage, I forgot where I had parked mine.  I spent the next 15 minutes like a homeless man walking up and down isles looking for the purple Yamaha "fashionista."  I have now come to realize that many Thais will drape a jacket over their handle bars as a way of separating their machine from the mass, a practice I have come to duplicate.


Most major roads are built with a shoulder that acts as a kind of scooter lane.  This works well except for when the cars use it as a parking spot.  Cruising happily along enjoying the sights, if attention is lost you might run smack into the back of a parked car or truck.  The moral of the story is when riding you must be aware of everything going on around you.  You have to drive constantly looking in your rear view mirrors to know if someone is coming up along side you or if a car is about nearly send you flying into oblivion.  I have resolved that when my family does arrive before I let them out onto the wilds Thai streets we are going to have a number of practice sessions.

Occasionally while riding a motorcycle or big bike will fly by as if you are standing still. These are the real men and if they were in the states would most certainly be driving a Mustang or Camero.   The riders of most cycles seem out to prove their stupidity and intention to become one of the horrific scooter/motorcycle tragedies as they fly by at mock ten.  In Thailand it is the ultimate macho statement. 

One good thing the Thais did a few years back was establish a helmet law.  Unfortunately Thai helmets are of mediocre quality but I guess you take what you can get.  The helmet law has spawned an interesting phenomenon.  At key choke points usually impossible to escape from Thai Police stand and wave anyone not wearing a helmet over to the side of the road.  One by one they are handed a ticket usually equivalent to around 7 dollars.  Most seem to take it in stride.  I guess they see it as a cost of not having helmet head.

I had thought before I came to Thailand I would see more sidecars but I confess in all my time here I have only seen one.  Instead of the traditional sidecar Thais tend to go more functional.  They weld on a wheeled basket that does seem to have utilitarian value.  I am contemplating picking one up as the family car.   Unfortunately with the extra weight they tend to be slower than snot but that also might be a key to long term survival.

In truth I have come to respect my scooter because like learning a language it has opened up parts of the city to me that westerners often never venture to.  They are the places a car would never fit and seems as alien as a horse drawn carriage.   Many of my coworkers don't even drive

to the center of town because parking is so difficult.  Not for me!  My little purple Yamaha never has a problem charting a course through regions no car would dare to tread.  A couple days ago I was cruising down a road when I noticed a monk in a cross walk.  In Thailand a cross walk is mostly cosmetic and the eyes of the monk grew large and round as he watched me approach.  He assumed a dodge pose ready to lurch to one side in an attempt to avoid impending doom.  To his surprise I slowed and came to a stop before him.  I nodded my head unable to give him a proper Thai "Y" (two hand together in front of the face in an elevated prayer sign) as my hands were on the handle bars breaking before him.  Relieved the monk smiled and nodded back.  Riding a scooter in Thailand will always come with risk but I can't help having a monk in my corner is a prudent survival strategy.