Newton's Third Law

There is a certain amount of excitement and depression that accompanies a move and change of job.  On the one hand I am filled with energy and enthusiasm.  In the near future there is a new office, a new place welcoming me with open arms.  It is a chance to be a new person and fix all the mistakes of the past both professionally and humanistically.  As scant bits of information arrive concerning my move I find myself hanging on every new detail.  Every fragment of information detailing and describing my new life.  Like a jigsaw puzzle I seem to never get enough, each tiny piece constantly forming a larger picture.  Excitement seems to build as dates converge an new realities solidify.

At the same time there is a counter process occurring.  It is almost a kind of Newtonian physics in principle.  With every action there is an equal opposite reaction.  In this case the opposite reaction is separation and letting go.  To date I have served 14 years in my current office and I am not sure how to walk away.  There is a commanding side of myself that wants to just disappear into the night.  "Old soldiers never die," General Macarthur said, "they just fade away."  I like the thought of just one day being here, the next day not.  At the same time the little voices inside that scream out our hidden insecurities rear their little heads.  They want to hear some kind of appreciation.  Some kind of statement that I was special in some way.  Efforts were appreciated, I will be missed.  That said I hate public recognition.  I hate being signaled out and made a center of attention.  When some people leave they plan their own party.  I would never do that.

I suppose ambivalence best describes me.  A simple desire to just be gone.  Day's have become a countdown now.  A countdown to a different life.  My heart laments at times yet my mind commands me to endure with the promise of a bright new challenge soon to come.