Sitting Still

I can't sit still.  I know it bugs the hell out of some people.  I always feel like I need to be doing something.  I can't just talk on the phone, I have to walk around.  I can't sit and have a conversation without playing with a game or holding something in my hand.  Perhaps it is the result of my mother's encouragement to always accomplish something with each action.  "Going upstairs, grab something that needs to go upstairs." she would say.  Sometimes I swear cell phones may be the death of me.  Too convenient to check things, always near my hands.  If I could get rid of one invention, that would be the one.  I hate the damn thing but I use it. 

I suppose I live my life much the same way.  I have trouble sitting still.   To date my life has been a vast series of locations.  It is quite unlike the lives of those that surround me.  In South Carolina many will never leave the country much less their own state.  Summer is a trip to Myrtle Beach and a family reunion.  They live in a microcosm and like a bird in a cage will never learn to fly.

A large portion of my life was spent in two places.  Alaska will always be home as will South Carolina for my son.  For me home is a distant memory.  I may return a few times before I die but it will never welcome me again and hold me close as it once did.  I likely would not have stayed in South Carolina for so long were it not for my son.  I wanted him to have his own home to venture out from, much as I did thirty years ago.

I chose a profession that does not demand a sedentary nature.  It provides possibilities and I have accepted them several times.  Very soon I will embark upon a new one as I make Thailand my home for the next five years.  People ask me if I am excited.  Oh God yes.  I awake every morning filled with anticipation.  That said, there is another voice inside of me.  It is a voice of fear and speaks with an elevated volume echoing the unknown.  I look around at my house that is nearly paid for.  Inside it's walls is security.  The voice talks to me and asks me if I am being smart?  It questions the future and I feel chills when I contemplate the unknown.  You see until I retire I will likely never be able to come back here.  A gradual process may be unfolding.  It is one that will have me trade my security, my predictability for the unpredictable.  There are moments when it scares the hell out of me.  Am I risking the security of myself, my wife and my son?  I look in the mirror and wonder what have I done? 

There is another equally powerful voice that counters logic with emotion.  With desire for life and for change.  There is an excitement inside that is nearly overpowering.  It thirsts for new experience and different perspective.  It reminds me that I am growing older and shouts "Carpe Diem!" (seize the day.)  Deep in my soul I feel that if I stop growing as a person like a fire-weed in Alaska that has reached it's pinnacle I will soon wither and die.
 
In a few weeks I plan to travel to Las Vegas for a short trip with my wife.  Perhaps it is a metaphor I had not even considered.   Possibly I am rolling the dice and hoping against the casino's odds that I will win. Or maybe, just maybe, this time I am in fact the casino.  There is a better than even chance I have made the right decisions and I have charted a solid course. Like a sea captain I will avoid the stagnant sea known as the doldrums and avoid the stormy clouds in the distance.  With a fair trade wind solidly at my back maybe for once not sitting still will reveal a path before me I might never have found.