Change

"I need a change."  It is an expression I have often uttered in my life as I have never been a person that can stay settled too long.  I think there is something about the hidden synapses of my brain that craves variance and at times unpredictability.  When I look back on my life from my perch of 46 years there has been a lot of change and some constants as well.  One constant was my own childhood.  I am thankful to have been able to grow up with the same set of friends living in the same town.  At one point my parents simply moved across town and I was devastated.  This despite the fact I actually remained in the same school.  I swore when I moved to my current location I would afford my child the same opportunity.  I don't know if it is as equally important to him yet I have never tested the idea.  As he enters his Junior year in high school my promise is nearly complete.  He has lived his memorable youth in one house and grown up with the same boys living around him.  He is very likely to continue on to college with them all before departing the state on his own volition.   The only place I lived longer than South Carolina was my home town of Anchorage, Alaska.  While I miss it and my friends terribly at times I have never regretted leaving.  Venturing out was a key to opening the door of my life.  Had I stayed I would have likely entered a profession I cared little about and lived a life with eyes closed to the world outside.

With my promise secure I recently applied for a position that would take me far from home.  Not only would I leave the state, I would leave my family behind at least for awhile.  I would travel to another continent where time changes, culture and differences would change the patterns of my life.  When I first applied I was scared but as the time passed I realized that this position, this opportunity was singularly one of the most important opportunities I have ever sought in my lifetime.  It is exactly where I want to be doing what I enjoy  and living the life I want terribly to live.  In short, it is change.  It is change on such a grand scale it tantalizes my senses.  I feel an excitement so deeply within my self I am now terrified of not being selected.  I try to speak the words of disappointment in my mind with the hope that should that day arrive I will better be better able to handle the consequence of failure.  Despite my best efforts however, I think there is no band-aid I can apply that will ease my suffering should I not be selected.

These days I am filled with anxiety as I wait the decisions of others surrendering myself to a process that is beyond my control.  In its stead I try to focus on things I can control.  For some reason it seems cathartic in the way it pacifies my mind.  It is a mind made worse by the very essence of my profession.  As an analyst I am taught to question and explain.  I look for clues and try to read words and expressions much to my own personal downfall.  I say this because in truth there is no answer until such time as it is revealed to me.  Any assumption is merely a misguided attempt at clarification.

This process of finding solace in what you can control was actually explained to me by my father.  He illustrated it in a way that made me suddenly realize that the very essence of psychology is simply having someone help you understand why you do what you do.  Somewhere far away names have been selected and opinions have been offered.  How I hope the name on that paper is my own.  The gears of my mind constantly turn as I replay everything I have said and written to be selected.  In my subconscious I am convinced that some where in all my efforts there is an answer that will assure me of an outcome.  I want desperately to feel excited, to plan, to anticipate to explore. 

I suppose changes can be very small and equally very large.  They can modify life in a substantial way or simply offer a minute variance.  I have to stop thinking.  I have to stop torturing my mind.  I know the answer will be revealed I just need to be calm and wait.  Take a deep breath... relax....  that's it, be rational accept what is out of my control... Now, let me check my email again and see if a note has arrived.