Battle of the Bulge

Rodney Dangerfield aka Thornton Melon

I have never been much of a dieter per say yet as I age my body seems to be adding to itself like the rings on a tree.  I try to ignore it by comparing myself to the rest of America.  As one of the worlds most overweight societies I tend to come out looking pretty good.  To quote the immortal profit Rodney Dangerfield, "If you want to look thin, have fat friends."  

Despite the reassurance of the comparison between myself and the general physique of America, with a quick look down I can't help but notice the vague outlines of an emerging pregnancy.  "It's not fair."  I mumble to myself as I look into the mirror.  I don't eat that much.  I hardly ever snack and I try to be as healthy as I can.  I eat very little red meat and try to avoid soda.  Okay, I have a bit here and there and there is of course beer but it is really not excessive.  Despite all of this my 45 year old body seems to want to hang on to far more than it wants to let go.  

After (really)

Before (not really)

The past eleven years have been a steady decline.  Prior to that I lived for six years in La Paz, Bolivia.  Life at 10,000 + feet above sea level seems to have some strange impacts on the body.  For one, the lower levels of oxygen require a bit more effort.  I congratulated myself after living there for six months when I could actually pass an old and decrepit person walking up hill.  Taking a hot bath would elevate the heart rate to such an extent you felt like you were in an aerobics class.  Of course there were also the occasional bouts of intestinal crud.  Little bacterial friends that liked to remind you that you were living the life they allowed.  Despite all our evolution, they were still the masters of the universe.  All this said, the sad truth is that the Bolivian diet plan left my body thirty pounds lighter than it is today.

A week ago it was time again for my yearly physical.  It is the moment when you read down a long list of conditions and if not already experiencing them wonder when you will.  Sure pregnancy and menopause might be far fetched but who knows?  Science these days.  

My doctor is an elegant woman who makes most of her money off cosmetic procedures using the profits to fund her general practice.  So with a thousand creams, lasers and liposuction only a room away she sat down with me to go over my lab results.  Everything was fine, statins doing their work.  Nothing like having a hemorrhoid or prostate check performed by an attractive middle age woman but hey, you get it where you can.

"Anything else?" My Dr. asked me.  "Do you need anything to help you....?"  

"Hey Viagra goes generic next month." I answered and she smiled and asked me if I wanted some.  "No I am okay right now. I wish I had a need for it but I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it."  I paused.  "There is one thing, I wish I could lose about ten pounds.  It seems like I try everything but it never goes away. "

"Do you want to try a diet pill?"

I thought for a moment.  "Well I suppose so, is it different than that drug store stuff?"  

"Oh yes," she replied. "this is the good stuff.  It's like speed.  You just have to come back in thirty days so we can weigh you and take your blood pressure."

Well why not?" I thought.  I can give it a shot.  I am an American, we fix everything with pills.  Want to quit smoking, take a pill.  Too fat, take a pill.  Feeling depressed, take a pill.  Weenie won't get up, take a pill.   Lard moving through your veins, take a pill.

She gave me a prescription for the little demon pills and I galloped off to have it filled by an 84 pound pharmacist at Target.  The following morning I ate my breakfast and slipped the little white devil down my throat.  It looked surprisingly like a breath mint with little blue dots.

Day one:  I felt like I was hyper alert. Super energetic.  Less appetite.  My mind was racing as I danced around my office doing an Irish jig.  I felt like a fat River-dancer. 

Day one: Morning.  Drank two more cups of coffee... Did you hear something?  I met with my group secretary who upon discovering the source of my jubilation asked if I knew where she could get some. 

Day one: Noon.  Felt like dancing another jig in the office.  Walking down a long hallway I imagined I was John Belushi in the Blues Brother's doing full body flips the entire length.  Went for an hour walk.  When I returned to my desk I felt like my feet were still walking.
 

Day one: Night... insomnia!!! Damn I couldn't sleep.  I just laid there for hours at times drifting into sleep and then waking up with my mind racing.
 

Day two, 1:00 AM:  If I was a platypus would I be more plata or puss?
 

Day two, 1:30 AM:  I wonder if I should work on my latest novel, maybe I could finish it by morning?
 

Day two, 2:00 AM: Why is it so damn hot in here?
 

Day two, 3:00 AM:  Thought about walking Hillary my dog.  "Hillary, are you there?"  She was laying in her bed snoring.
 

Day two, 5:00 AM: Thank Jesus.. Time to wake up!  Checked the scale.  Nope nothing yet.

Day two:  Considered cutting the dose in half.  As I examined the pill I dropped it into my coffee.  Cream, sugar and Phentermine.  Down the hatch.... I now have speed laced with caffeine!  Could this be the new Red Bull?

Day two: Morning - Why is there no one in this frigging office?  Oh wait, it is only 8:15  I forgot I arrived at 7:30.

I finally did decide to break the pill into two pieces and despite the joy at instantly creating another month's worth I have noticed a leveling off of the effect.  I am now able to sleep and happy to report a few pounds have slipped away.  Of course this might have something to do with the diet and exercise but you never know.  So far this is a vast improvement over my only other experience with dieting measures.  I tried Alli for a week.  Whomever created that stuff must have worked in a chemical lab for EXXON.  It seems innocent enough until you have an urge to expel gas and are either greeted with relief or an oil slick the likes of the BP Gulf spill. 

Only someone that has tried Alli can really appreciate what I am saying but when it happens it is an oily orange hell.

I am happy to report that as this little adventure in dieting continues a few pounds do seem to be vaporizing.   Of course if all else fails there is always lunch at the Chifa Emmy in La Paz, Bolivia.  One night praying at the toilet and you can probably accomplish the same thing minus the buzz.


What?  Who?  Did someone or something just say my name?  God it's hot in here....