Conflict

There is nothing I despise more then conflict.  Some sick people thrive on it, I detest it.  This doesn't include debate.  I enjoy a spirited, structured exchange of opinions if they are well founded and perhaps may make both people think.  No I am speaking of the conflict that arises between two people over an issue perhaps professional, perhaps not.  I hate it.  It burns in me but I can't keep my mouth shut.  I refuse to be a victim but I hate the repercussions of not being one.

Yesterday I was walking out to my car at lunch to drop off a few things and I noticed an older man who works in my office as a contractor doing something strange.  It was only upon closer examination that I discovered he was standing between two open doors on his Ford Explorer changing into a suit.  In my profession this is not odd, often people will do this when we have to go to court.  This avoids wearing a suit all day long.  Anyway, I noticed his door touching my fender.  When he closed it I took a look and sure enough there was a brand new dimple ding.  I told him what he had just done and he denied it.  I then showed him three times by opening his door how it matched the new dimple exactly.  He didn't really say much more and drove off.

Later that day I decided I would take it to a guy who can supposedly get rid of the things.  I called him and he gave me an estimate of between 50 and 100 dollars.  The next time I saw the guy that did it I nicely told him what I did and asked him to pay for it.  He refused again saying he didn't do it.  I looked him in the eye and told him how I had demonstrated it three times!  At that point I lost it and told him he was lying to himself and that he had no integrity.  That I had worked with him for 10 years and that now we knew his price point of honesty was below 50 dollars.

What hurt me the most was not the money.  I can pay for the damage, it was the fact that this man and I have worked together for 10 years.  That I have acted as a friend to him.  For this I am lied to in my face over a 50 dollar act that was his responsibility.  That he couldn't even just apologize to me and accept responsibility.  Simply put, that is what hurt the most.  What now is the cost, in a small office I have to work around this man that I now despise and have no respect for.

I was so upset over the issue I had to sit in my office for ten minutes just to let my blood pressure drop.  Later that night I returned home and told my son about it all.  He asked me questions and relayed similar frustrations with his friends.  With tears in my eyes I hugged him.   His eyes now moist I told him that I loved him and that he made me feel better.

I will never understand humans.  I will never understand living without integrity.  It is my foundation, it is my honor and without it, I am nothing.  I will never understand trading personal relationships for the most stupid things.  I will also never understand being a victim.    My mother didn't speak to her parents for 25 years over a necklace that she had and her mother wanted back.  Why are lives ruined for such stupid things?  Yet now, a result of this situation, I must suffer.  I must suffer every day I have to come to work and see this jerk.  I must suffer every time I am forced to talk to him.  Even while trying to avoid being a victim in the end I still am one.  I am the one with the tears and the blood pressure through the roof.

I suppose for the indignant and selfish, for the dishonest and lack of morals there is solace in their callousness.  No matter what, in exchange for my morality I continue to be the victim.